Zephania 3:17 The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

When my husband Carlo and I decided it was time for another child a few years after our first, I fell pregnant very soon. We were overjoyed and so excited. That first doctor’s visit is always something of a mix of anxiety and excitement. Unfortunately, at my eight week scan the doctor could detect no heartbeat. I was devastated. I cried incessantly, feeling powerless and like a failure. I tried to hide my hurt and disappointed, I was afraid if people saw me crying and hurting they would think me weak and an inferior Christian. I was crying so much I was crying even in my sleep. I was calling out to God for an answer and peace, for an explanation and to be able to see the bigger picture of why this had happened, and what the purpose was to me suffering so much. As He always is, He was faithful to answer. One night I had a dream that I was crying in public, my biggest fear realised, that people saw me weak and mournful. While being attacked for my tears, I suddenly screamed at my accuser, “People in the Bible also wept.” When I woke I immediately grabbed my Bible, and in my heart knew God was directing me to the story of Hannah and Samuel.

1 Samuel 1:10 And she was in bitterness of soul, and prayed unto the LORD, and wept sore.

I was so astounded by this scripture, because I did not explicitly dream of this passage, only that weeping was a concept to be found in the Bible. As I continued reading the passage, while weeping, the words just washed over my soul and I found myself at peace and rest with God and myself once again. God taught me that mourning is part of His heart too, that He can also be grieved in the Spirit, and that it was O.K. to mourn things we have loved and lost. He is ultimately the healer of our hearts, but requires us to bring to His feet all our hurts and disappointments, to be vulnerable and sincere before Him with the things that hurt and torment us.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be fearful.

 

After the miscarriage we struggled for almost two years before falling pregnant again. Needless to say that at first finding out I was pregnant again I was absolutely overjoyed and excited, yet a persistent shadow of doubt shrouded my thoughts, I was constantly thinking, what if it happens again, what if there is no heartbeat, what if what if what if…. and on and on. We went to the doctor for our check-up, and as she placed the transducer on my stomach I realised I wasn’t even breathing due to how stressed and afraid I was. There are absolutely no words to describe the joy that filled my heart the moment that little heartbeat showed on the screen. In that moment God whispered to me, “this is how I feel about my children; I yearn for them to live, to have a heartbeat.” He is constantly on the edge of His seat to determine if our hearts still beat for Him, if we are still alive and kicking. I just see Him jumping up and down and rejoicing when we come alive in Him. I hear him whispering to His body, “LIVE, LIVE, LIVE!” He sent us His only Son, who actually allowed His own heart to stop beating, just so we might live and have not only a heartbeat but life in abundance.

 

God doesn’t prey on your need to please Him, he loves you regardless of your performance. He won’t ever deny giving you answers, requiring blind faith without a return for the trust showed. If we had to rely on our good works to gain from God, that would make Him our boss, not our Father. This is a twisted concept we unfortunately find in the corporate world to make business and hierarchies effective, but the kingdom operates only under the law of love and grace. There is nothing you can do that is bad enough to deserve Him loving you less. There is nothing you can do that is good enough to deserve Him loving you more. He solely carries the burden of loving us wholly, without the need of our returning that love as a motivator for increase or decrease of His affections. He is a faithful lover, a loyal friend, a just brother. Carlo loves to tell everyone he talks to that God thinks they are amazing, and let me tell you today, God thinks you are absolutely amazing. Allow yourself to be loved by Him. You have value and are worth much more than your best friends (I mean diamonds of course.)

 

God’s dream for us is that we would be immersed in the majesty of everything He feels for us. God put you in a place where He would always accept you and approve. He put you in the safest place ever. He put you into Jesus– Graham Cooke