In marriage, in any relationship really, we easily fall out of love. We tend to find it not difficult at all to become complacent in our efforts to garner trust and build connection with the other person. When it becomes just a tiny bit uncomfortable and challenging we become very inventive and creative with our excuses and justifications for not loving wholly by allowing ourselves a backdoor out of a relationship.
When we have a conversation with our spouse, and there seems to be no agreement, the first reaction will usually be defense, which is a result of fear and feeling out of control. We have allowed ourselves to believe the lie that in order to be compatible we need to agree on everything. If we do not see things the same way we immediately feel threatened, and even interpret the other persons differing from us as a personal affront to our spirituality and relevance in the relationship. We seem to only form lasting relationships with people who agree with our way of seeing things, and too easily shun those who do not. This stems from insecurity and a misconception of your own value and worth, because you feel the need to have your opinion constantly validated, and suffer a persistent need for significance in any conversation, or argument for that matter. This ultimately causes us to converse merely for the sake of being right and agreed with, which in turn creates a pattern of bulldozing whoever is on the receiving end of the well intended just instruction (as we would like to think it.) This is a form of control, a very dangerous and unhealthy habit. Controlling someone by having to be right serves only to create distance and ignite a furious and vengeful offense in their hearts. Having to always be right in every conversation devalues the other persons worth and opinion. This approach leaves us uninfluential participants of the conversation.
I personally have many couple friends who would in all worldly opinion be the worst match for one another possible, solely because they are so very different form one another. Yet, it is these couples who are always bonded the strongest in love. The very fact that they are so comfortably different form one another seems to say that they are comfortable both with who they are themselves, as well as who their spouse is. A true realisation of your worth solidifies your identity and eliminates the insecurity that breeds the bad habit of attempting to control people to make you feel better about yourself. The reverse is thus also true, if you can discern and acknowledge someone else’s worth, you are amazingly empowered to eliminate insecurity and any worthlessness they feel by validating who they are in God. Sometimes most of us just need to be reminded that we are loved and chosen. I think that if we can enter any conversation with the goal of validating the other person’s opinion as important, regardless of whether we agree with it, and loving them regardless of whether they agree with our opinion on a matter, we eliminate the environment of conflict and rejection, by eliminating fear of rejection.
It is tremendously common for someone to feel threatened by your opinion, just because it is different to theirs. It is imperative for us to be passionate and individual, without being unreasonably persistent regarding our opinion. Given, we cannot constantly live in fear of how our actions and opinions are received by others, but we can be sensitive to what they need, and making the heart of God for every person your priority immediately makes it easy to be led by love and enable us to live full of love.
Colossians 4:6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
James 1:19 …everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Proverbs 29:20 do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
Ephesians 4:29 Let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that is may give grace to those who hear.